Holding Steady

Reece’s ultrasound from Monday showed clear results, as expected.  He is doing about the same as he was a couple of days ago.  He is having an allergic reaction to the medicine, he has jaundice, he has intermittent fevers.  None of these things are surprises for the doctors; they are all typical with BMT.  He has shown an interest in doing some more playing, although it is in short spurts.

I have not been at the hospital in the last two days as I am battling a cold.  I got the boot to go home and try to get well.  Therefore, I have not seen him firsthand.  My mom and Terry have been covering the last couple of days.  It is really hard to be away from the hospital, but I finally spoke to the doctor via phone this morning to get a rundown of Reece’s status.

Posting on Reece has gotten to be tough for me.  I want to be positive, as I think he overall is doing well.  He is basically holding steady, with different things resolving and cropping up at the same time.  We are in a holding pattern at this point, but without physically being with Reece, it is difficult to describe how he is doing and what it actually looks like.

It has also become difficult to post as I don’t want to be a negative person; I do, however, want to be realistic.  And I am in a rut with the whole thing mentally.  I am trying to avoid making this site be a venting, negative, down-in-the-dumps thing.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for Reece or us.  So there are some days where I haven’t been posting, because I am trying to avoid all of that.  But in being “real” about the whole thing, I can’t avoid sharing what the emotional heaviness feels like.

After spending two days at home, I have realized that I am personally in some sort of grief state right now.  I know we haven’t lost Reece, but he looks and acts nothing like the child we know as Reece.  I miss him so much–his personality, his energy, his non-stop talking.  I feel like I am losing my mind at times.  He is here with us, but he is not.  It has to be some form of grief–I have never experienced anything like this.  There is nothing I can draw a comparison to and there is nothing anyone can do about it.  It just is.  It’ll be okay, but the reaction has taken me by surprise.

On a positive note, the basement project is finished, the house and carpets are cleaned, and Reece was able to Facetime with me the other day to see the new addition.  Preparations are coming together and now we just need to get our plan for the summer down.  I am working on finding a full-time nanny starting the beginning of May (or sooner, if available).  I basically need someone to help me out with one or two kids and be at home with us (M-F) to fold into our family dynamic.  If you have a recommendation, please let me know.  Send an email to help4reece@gmail.com.  Thanks!


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